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NT / Dear Client 2015


RitaB

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Dear Client -

We give you a complete copy of your return every year.  And for the past 15 years i have been here at this location, i have forked over copy after extra copy of returns for clients.  But since this is the FIFTH TIME you, dear loser, are asking for another copy, you are going to pay for that time, that paper, and that ink!

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Dear Client --

 

Thank you so much for sending along the W-2 from YOUR job that I asked about and was told there wasn't because you got laid off.  That was indeed why your wages line looked so low; it just had your wife's income!  Thank you especially for now having to re-do and re-print your return AND spend money for Priority Mail to send it to you -- and your wife paid me when she picked the returns up last night so I can't even add on a re-print and mailing fee.

 

At least I didn't have to deal with ACA nonsense since when (just) your health insurance got cancelled you could still go to the VA - so that counts as full-year coverage.

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Dear Client, thank you for bringing in unopened mail, from ME, when you dropped off your tax documents. No, you do not have a sales tax number yet because that was your Application for Sales Tax Number that you didn't open. Yes, I know you have been so busy. Your nails and hair look fab, BTW.

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Catherine, I would include in that priority mail another invoice for time and postage. Maybe they won't pay but it will be hanging around to send again in a few months or add to next year's balance due.

I agree. It is my practice to collect before the return leaves the office. But in a situation like this, I have also been backed into a corner. In fact - just had one last year. It was actually a late arriving 1099 that required a 1040X. I sent the return in May with a bill. I sent a reminder statement with interest every month until December. I did not send him an invitation to come back and stopped sending him statements. Last month he calls and says he wants us to do his return again and says "I believe I owe Ron some money from last year. Can you take a payment over the phone?" We did and he is now on strict COD - I do not care what the sob story will be.

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Dear Client, it is not necessary to continue to ring the office doorbell every 10 seconds. I actually heard it, because it is very loud and rings on both floors of my house. I am sorry it I don't hurdle my huge desk, hang up the phone or get out of the bathroom in enough time to get to the door immediately. The closer it gets to April 15, the more little things tick me off.  :angry:

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Dear Client-

 

Last year, as you walked out of my apt....you said you were not coming back to me "this year" because I raised your fee for an itemized return/estimated vouchers to $125.  Your income was about $100,000...and you are 85 and single.  You live in an SRO.  You have no expenses. This is NYC you know....nobody but an idiot would let you sit here for an hour...and charge you so little.

 

So...I decided to drop you.

 

Anyway...you just called me.  Before you could say another word...I told you "I retired.  I'm not doing tax returns". Then you told me about a company (it's H&R) that will do your return for half the price of last year. Were you going to ask me to do your return for half of $125?  I'm glad I don't have to find out.

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Dear New Favorite Client,

Wowzers, thank you for marrying my least organized, PITA client and whipping the paperwork into shape. It is a thing of beauty, and I hope to God I'm not dreaming. You have changed my life. Remember, it's till death do you part.

Don't wake up, don't wake up, don't wake up...

Edited by RitaB
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Dear Client-

 

Last year, as you walked out of my apt....you said you were not coming back to me "this year" because I raised your fee for an itemized return/estimated vouchers to $125.  Your income was about $100,000...and you are 85 and single.  You live in an SRO.  You have no expenses. This is NYC you know....nobody but an idiot would let you sit here for an hour...and charge you so little.

 

So...I decided to drop you.

 

Anyway...you just called me.  Before you could say another word...I told you "I retired.  I'm not doing tax returns". Then you told me about a company (it's H&R) that will do your return for half the price of last year. Were you going to ask me to do your return for half of $125?  I'm glad I don't have to find out.

Try to read the fine print on the bottom of that commercial.  Minimum of $75 charge.  Love the way they sneak that in the fine print for about 2 seconds of the commercial.

 

Tom

Newark, CA

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Rita, does she have relatives I could fix up with my clients?  Maybe we could organize a dating service on the side.

She's a keeper - eharmony, I'd reckon. Estimated tax payments within $200 of liability and gives 25% to church. Precious lady. Wow, just wow.

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Nobody special here today, but did wrap up a wowzer of a set of three family returns.  21 year old student had 7 W2G forms for Gambling winnings.  She had tax withheld on all of them.  Question was who got the exemption; the student or the parents.  Turns out that because she was a student under 24 and had all that "investment" income, she had to file a Kiddie Tax return and was ineligible to take the refundable part of the AOC.  Ended up giving the student to the parents, who were owing without her.  Filed the Kiddie tax for the student and she still got a large refund as did the parents.  The things we go through for our clients, but wow am I relieved and happy to wrap this package up.  Tomorrow morning...........moving on.  (creeping on)

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Dear Client,

 

I understand that your mom and other friends/family members are very eager to get the partnership K-1's from the unholy mess you call "spreadsheets" from your LLC, that you only gave me last Friday.  Emailing me six times in eight hours will NOT get them done any faster, especially when NONE of those responses answered the questions I asked.  NO, you should NOT prepare K-1's from TurboTax for them.  Unless you want to do this return yourself - and right about now, I'm thinking maybe you SHOULD.  Don't push me any more today, or you WILL be doing them yourself.

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Dear Client,

 

Why are you asking ME how you should designate your employees for workers comp classification?  Try the truth.  That seems to work in most cases.

 

 

 

Dear Client,

 

No, I am not doing anything else today.  I will generate a letter saying that we are working on your IRS tax liens (that have been in place for a year) so you can buy a new truck.  Wait, here is an idea. Pay the IRS.

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Dear Caller-Never-To-Be-A-Client-Maybe:

 

Called yesterday, left VM:  "I called a few days ago wanting to know if you could do my return. (strike #1-lies...or alzheimer's?)   I need it done as soon as possible as I'm going away for a month. (strike #2-not my problem)  I live [insert local address here]."

Me: rolls eyes. He's never called before according to caller ID. Other than a couple of telemarketers, I've had no calls that I did not recognize. I didn't have time to call him back until after dinner, and I decided that after 8:30pm was too late to start calling anyone that wasn't an existing client.

 

Called early this morning before I'm out of bed (strike #3-are you serious?!), another VM:  "I see you tried to call me back yesterday and I couldn't get to the phone" (strike #4-must be a liar).

Uh, not unless I'm sleep walking and returning calls in the middle of the night!    

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Dear Client,

 

When you sell stock that is spun-off from or merged with another stock you own that was itself acquired from a spin-off, I can NOT figure out basis for you without ( a ) the date you bought the original, ( b ) the number of shares you originally bought, and ( c ) if you have sold any in the interim. If you can only narrow the purchase date down to a 6-month range because you are missing statements, I will use the *lowest* historical price during that time frame.  

 

I will charge you through the nose for this work.

 

Instead, why don't you either track and provide your own bleeping stock basis (c'mon; you both have advanced degrees in sciences, I KNOW you can figure this out), or at LEAST do the online research on the spinoffs and mergers and give me the best source data you can?

 

Or I can just use zero as the basis....

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Dear Client,

 

    It is really not necessary for you to come in to ask me what to do about your not having that K-1 yet.  You know, the one you never get until April, and that has caused an amended return in our past.  God made a thing called a telephone for situations like this.  And, no, I do not need for you to bring in the rest of your stuff so I can get started.  I don't need to get started.  I need to get finished.  That's how this works.

Dear Client Again,

Thank you for waiting until you got everything and bringing it in Monday. Thank you for calling Thursday to say oh ha ha just kidding I got another form. Your record oh ha ha just kidding I got another form is pretty much out of reach now. Congratulations and yeah I'm not touching your stuff for three weeks.

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Dear client - your sales tax reports and your income tax return should at least remotely reconcile.  You cannot show NYS sales tax that you only had $100000 in sales when in fact your purchases exceed that 3x.  What don't you get that?

When you get audited, I will charge you more..........and that is my only hope...........In the meantime, you just keep on telling NYS sales tax whatever you want and do not bother to heed my advise.  I will report to NYS income tax what your sales deposits were.  And we'll just count the days.

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Response # 1: I can handle your return, but right now we need to file an extension. That relieves both of us of the travel deadline and allows me to get your reteurn into my normal rotation. If you happen to owe any penalties or interest for underpayment of your tax, that will be your responsibilty.

Response # 2: (silence)

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Dear Client,

 

Thank You for bringing by your bucket list purchase for me to inspect...

attachicon.gifIMG_3052.JPGattachicon.gifIMG_3060.JPGattachicon.gifIMG_3059.JPGattachicon.gifIMG_3057.JPG

 

Only the men will appreciate this...

 

622 Brake Horsepower.

Jack, you are SO SO WRONG.  This gal appreciates that too.  

 

Here is a pic of one that one of my clients brought to show me, btw.  32 Ford.  Yes, that's me waving.  

 

11079660_832595236787984_251982203316633

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