Laugh of the Day

[kcjenkins]

If all tax advisers were laid end to end, they would not reach an opinion.

In tax rules, miscellaneous is always the largest category.

Where there's a will there's a tax shelter.

A penny saved is bound to be taxed.

I don't have a tax solution, but I admire the problem.

If the chance of getting a tax audit is 1000 to 1, why is it 50/50 that it will be you?

A detailed analysis of tax strategy usually reveals that the best time to take positive tax action is last year.

I like being sent tax returns by pessimistic tax auditors--they never expect to get them back

A tax auditor is someone who persists in holding his own view even after we've enlightened him with ours.

There are two sides to a debate on tax: until you take one.

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.

Golf is a lot like taxes -- you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day, and ends with cries of "May Day!"?

Do your tax return before breakfast and nothing worse will happen to you all day.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

[kcjenkins]

New Stock Market Terms...

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

SHARES- Not something selfish individuals buy.

INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE- The private sector's answer to public education standards so industrialists won't feel bad too.

PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.

[kcjenkins]

You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point...

Take this quiz:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last three winners of the American Idol

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel, appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes or scholars whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

They are the ones that care.

[kcjenkins]

Value Added Chicken...

"Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken`s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken`s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken`s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

[PapaJoe]

How much did Andersen Consulting then bill the chicken for its services?

[kcjenkins]

$662,850.

[jainen]

>>helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy<<

For all the fancy squawking, the real reason was probably nothing more than this. Chickens have a particular sort of "physical distribution" that is best to get away from after a while.