Laugh of the Day

[kcjenkins]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please? I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" asks the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus," says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle," asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck pauses for a moment with a confused loook on his face and replies:

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"

[Catherine]

A rope walks into a bar and sits down on a barstool. The

bartender looks at him and says "Get out of here, we don't serve

ropes in this establishment!". The rope gets up and slinks out.

Once outside, he grabs the end of his tuft, making the little rope fibers go every

which way, and curls himself up into a few loops. Thus composed, the

rope walks back into the bar and sits down. The bartender says "Hey, aren't

you that rope?" and the rope looks him in the eye and says

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

[taxxcpa]

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"?

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Comm'r of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

[kcjenkins]

Way to go, Atticus. Come on, folks, add your contribution to our thread. We all need to laugh more, especially this week.

[kcjenkins]

The IRS Genie...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

********POOF******

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

*******POOF*******

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

******POOF******

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[taxxcpa]

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

[kcjenkins]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[taxxcpa]

PUN INTENDED

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and

heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent 10 different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

****************

DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

Specificity

Indubitably

[kcjenkins]

Number 9 made ME laugh!

[taxxcpa]

Q. What is the first thing that John McCain wants to change once he becomes President?

A: His prenuptial agreement.

Q: If Jackson is on the 20 dollar bill, Washington is on the 1 dollar bill, then what is Obama going to be on?

A: The Food Stamp

[Joel]

IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that

wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees

again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on

other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

" Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars

that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it !" (EEE)

[MargaretMort]

My, you certainly have made my Monday a lot brighter. Many thanks. I laughed again, even at the ones I had seen/read/heard before.

[kcjenkins]

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. "Honey? What's wrong" I asked.

"Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!"

I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: "Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?"

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

- - -

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[Bart]

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

[Catherine]

Attached is my favorite tax cartoon of all time. I've saved it since 1977, long before I started doing taxes. Barely after I started doing my _own_ taxes!

MacNelly_1040.PDF

[Catherine]

If I were to be punishèd

for every little pun I shed

I'd hie me to a puny shed

and there I'd hang my punnish head....

[kcjenkins]

I like several of the Frank & Earnest IRS cartoons.