Jack from Ohio Posted October 31, 2013 Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 can we ban jack from the forum for that last pun??? It was Google inspired!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted October 31, 2013 Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 For Halloween..... There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the gh...ost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what's the moral of the story? Wait for it.... Wait for it.... Wait for it... . . . The spirit was willing but the flash was weak. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret CPA in OH Posted October 31, 2013 Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 Groan.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted October 31, 2013 Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 I have contemplated a career as a comedian. Any thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret CPA in OH Posted October 31, 2013 Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 Go for it! You and KC would make a great pair. Yuk yuk... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted October 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 can we ban jack from the forum for that last pun??? NOPE. I love a good pun! Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted October 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 No party is a success until somebody spikes the puns. What kind of jokes does Ronald McDonald tell? Hamburger puns Are we having pun yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted October 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 VISUAL PUNS 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted October 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 Now this ia a sign I'd love to have................. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted October 31, 2013 Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 If I were to be punished For every little pun I shed I'd hie me to a puny shed And there I'd hang my punnish head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted October 31, 2013 Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 There were a tribe of islanders who worshiped ever-living dolphins and hoped they would be conferred favors by sacrificing seagulls to them. They ran out of birds on one side of the island, though, so they went to the other side of the island to get some more, even though they were a smaller type of gull. Coming back, they found the way blocked by two somnolent lions. Knowing the dolphins were waiting for the sacrifice, they tiptoed up and stepped over the lions, whereupon they were immediately arrested and charged with transporting minor gulls over staid lions for immortal porpoises. (Mwah hah hah.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted October 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2013 Fantastic! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret CPA in OH Posted November 1, 2013 Report Share Posted November 1, 2013 Great way to begin Friday, well, any day! Loved the photos and puns, KC and Catherine. Thanks a punch! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted November 3, 2013 Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES........ A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON.... WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:> 1 - NEVER BE ARROGANT.> 2 - Don't waste ammunition.> 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.> 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.> 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted November 3, 2013 Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened."First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner."Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?""Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.""Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector."Thought he was having his picture taken. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted November 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted November 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2013 How to Get to Heaven I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered in unison. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!" "If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken when a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted November 7, 2013 Report Share Posted November 7, 2013 WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on widespread abuses faced by orcas in captivity, a new documentary titled Under the Surface revealed that killer whales at SeaWorld and other marine theme parks are forced by trainers to perform—sometimes as often as seven times per day—completely in the nude. “These majestic creatures are required, time and again, to swim naked out in front of crowds of thousands, perform humiliating tricks entirely in the buff, and then expose their bare bodies to men, women, and children by repeatedly breaching their tanks,” animal rights activist Marissa Abelson told reporters at a screening of the film, adding that even when the whales are not performing they aren’t permitted to cover up and are left in solitary confinement, often forced to spend all night floating nude in undersized tanks. “And what’s most humiliating is how, during the shows, the trainers make them lie there unclothed and beg for food. It’s sick.” When reached for comment, a spokesman representing SeaWorld said the film completely misrepresents their orca programs, namely due to the fact that trainers work tirelessly to promote a positive body image for the whales and occasionally allow shyer orcas to perform in jeans. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted November 7, 2013 Report Share Posted November 7, 2013 So we're a *little* bit early for this -- but you'll love the various emails that dear old Santa has in his inbox. Santa's Gmail.PDF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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