Laugh of the Day

[kcjenkins]

[kcjenkins]

[Margaret CPA in OH]

Thanks for the morning chuckles!

[Elrod]

Wife and I both laughed out loud at those.....Thanks.

[kcjenkins]

glad they accomplished my goal.

[Jack from Ohio]

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.

Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She opens the window and shouts, Get off our car, ya little bastard!

[ILLMAS]

A man walks stumbling out of a gentlemen's club, and as soon he gets out of the door a nun is passing by and the man starts doing what seems to be the sign of the cross all drunk. The nun stops and starts yelling at him, how dare you make the sign of the cross coming out this filthy establishment, the man barely able to stay on his feet replies, I was not making the sign of the cross, I was saying to myself think, then I checked my right had shirt pocket for my keys, then I checked left hand pocket for my wallet, then I checked to make sure my zipper was up and finally I check my lips to make sure I didn't have any lipstick.

[Jack from Ohio]

Unicorn Stew!

1. Trap, disembowel and flay one unicorn.
2. Chop into bite size pieces with field axe.
3. Catch and preserve tears, useful in treating blisters, vapors and melancholy....
4. Add onion and garlic to taste, and one field hare or two bunnies.

Be tidy, though, as many people don't like hare in their stew.


BWAAAAAHAHHHAHHAHA! You saw that coming, didn't you?

[Catherine]

A man walks stumbling out of a gentlemen's club, and as soon he gets out of the door a nun is passing by and the man starts doing what seems to be the sign of the cross all drunk. The nun stops and starts yelling at him, how dare you make the sign of the cross coming out this filthy establishment, the man barely able to stay on his feet replies, I was not making the sign of the cross, I was saying to myself think, then I checked my right had shirt pocket for my keys, then I checked left hand pocket for my wallet, then I checked to make sure my zipper was up and finally I check my lips to make sure I didn't have any lipstick.

I heard it years ago as spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.

[Catherine]

Then there was the Irish gay couple -- Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Ba dum CHA.

[kcjenkins]

Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. It was the first day of class, and the teacher told them now that they were in grade school, the rule is, "No baby talk!"

You need to use "Big People" words, she told them.

So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.

"We went to visit my Nana," he said.

"No," the teacher replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.

"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" she replied.

"No," she said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the Shit!"

[kcjenkins]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

The principal is making me write this, even though he laughed again.

[Margaret CPA in OH]

Again, thanks for the chuckles. These were laugh out loud for me.

[kcjenkins]

Musical Humor

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!"

E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and ends up au naturel. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

[kcjenkins]

The Chicken and the Horse [Just a little blue, don't read on, if that offends you]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley motorcycle. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse. Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink. He cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking down underneath he told the chicken to grab his junk and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story (and you know there is one!)?

When you're hung like a horse you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks

.

[Margaret CPA in OH]

Loved the music joke and will share at choir this week. Laughed out loud at the next one!

[kcjenkins]

Thanks, Margaret, I hesitated on the second one, but just found it too funny not to share.

[Jack from Ohio]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

[Jack from Ohio]

[Tax Prep by Deb]

Text.jpg

Great One!

Days gone by!

[kcjenkins]

New Theory of Stupidity: The Stupon

Brain scientists have stunned the world with their discovery of the "stupon" -- a subatomic particle given off by the human brain.

When a stupon hits a brain cell, researchers say, that brain cell gives off two stupons. Then, the affected area of the brain suspends activity for a brief period of time while the stupons regenerate, which takes an enormous amount of energy. This is observable outside the laboratory during a so-called "stupon storm", when several stupid people get together. The classic sign seen during a stupon storm is the blank expression on the victim's faces after one of the group does something especially stupid. This is, in fact, the origin of the saying that someone appeared to be "struck dumb" by normal onlookers.

For Example

Example of Stupons at Work

"The breakthrough came thanks to Youtube," said lead researcher Albert "Einstein" Heisenberg. "These guys filming themselves doing stupid things has been a treasure trove of material for us to study."

Stupid people's brains are awash in stupons, Heisenberg says, which is why they are so stupid. They also emit copious quantities of stupons, which is why being around a stupid person can make you feel stupid, or even do stupid things yourself. Close proximity to stupid people for lengthy periods of time can actually cause brain damage in the normal person, thanks to "The Stupon Effect" on the normal brain, Heisenberg points out.

Sadly, the researcher says, even smart people sometimes emit stupons. "If you put enough normal people together -- say, in a corporate meeting or session of Congress -- then they begin to trade stupons at an accelerated rate, making the people stupider and increasing the production of stupons in a vicious feedback loop." This is very similar to the way a nuclear chain reaction functions.

Heisenberg and other researchers are scrambling to invent stupon detectors, which would work like carbon monoxide detectors and sound an alarm to clear the room in the event there were too many stupons floating around, as well as stupon-resistant hats, which would protect the wearer from other people's stupons.

Observers say that should this anti-stupon hat effort be successful (sadly, the first attempt using tin foil failed completely -- for reasons obvious for the non-stupon-impaired), taxpayers should demand all federal employees -- especially legislators -- to wear the device anytime he or she is within 100 yards of any other federal employee.

To help support this vital research, please have a credit card ready and call 1-800-STUPON to contribute whatever you can.

[Catherine]

There is also a connection -- or accelerant -- with cheap and/or "lite" beer. So very many of those YouTube videos start out with the sentence, "Hey -- hold my beer and watch this!" (Please note this phrase can be inferred; the camera is usually not started until after its utterance.) The more expensive the beer, the less likely the interaction. Obviously, more research is needed into these substances.

[Jack from Ohio]

[Jack from Ohio]

This guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

[michaelmars]

can we ban jack from the forum for that last pun???