kcjenkins Posted January 6, 2009 Report Share Posted January 6, 2009 I Wonder... Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAXBILLY Posted January 6, 2009 Report Share Posted January 6, 2009 Good ones! taxbilly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted January 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2009 Praise The Lord... During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is "sternum." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tilt Posted January 6, 2009 Report Share Posted January 6, 2009 LOL KC, we can always count on you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted January 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2009 Old Is When... 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door, 'OLD' IS WHEN.. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND FINALLY...... 'OLD' IS WHEN... You're not sure if these are jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Posted January 6, 2009 Report Share Posted January 6, 2009 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? I thought that said "If people evolved from apes, why are we still apes?" I like my version better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 My contribution is in the little attachment... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 KC, where do you find all that good stuff. You made me laugh!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail in Virginia Posted January 7, 2009 Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 Catherine, you should be sure rchinchilla sees that cartoon - he wanted to know how ideal tax software would work! B) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted January 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2009 I love that cartoon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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