Laugh of the Day

[kcjenkins]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

[kcjenkins]

"The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
-- John F. Lekel

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
-- Jay Leno

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids."
-- Harvey Mackay

[Gail in Virginia]

Thanks, KC! I love the one from Jay Leno!

[JohnH]

“The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest possible amount of feathers with the smallest possible amount of hissing” ... Jean Baptiste Colbert (French Economist and Minister of Finance under King Louis XIV of France. 1619-1683)

[Catherine]

"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?" --Jay Leno

[Guest Taxed]

Markets loved it when the Feds were pumping in money by buying the bonds. Now that they will ease off they don't like it as much?

[Jack from Ohio]

In case you needed a chuckle...

Weight Loss Plan
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
... She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.

[JohnH]

Weight loss - yes!

Reminds me when I was sitting in a meeting beside a guy who kept pulling something out of his pocket and munching on it. It had an odd smell, and when I asked him about it he said he's on the "Purina" diet. He explained that he carries bite-size bits of dog food with him and snacks on it. So far he's lost 30 lbs.

I asked if he'd had any problems and he said 'Nothing other than the few days I spent in the hospital." Shocked, I asked if it had created some sort of digestive blockage.

He replied, "Oh no, that wasn't the problem at all. I was walking down the street and spotted a really nice-looking blonde Laborador Retriever across the street. I couldn't resist the urge to run over and give her a sniff. I was so distracted I never saw the car that hit me. It put me in the hospital for a week, but I'm doing fine now."

[kcjenkins]

[kcjenkins]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was way too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and yet again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled, tipped his hat, and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was pretty good friends."

[Terry O]

THANK GUYS!!!!!!

[Catherine]

Sent to me some years ago... your mileage may vary.

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started." Such simple advice. So, I looked around to see all the things
I started and hadn't finished.

Today I finished one bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's,
my Prozac, a box of chocolates and a half gallon of rocky road
ice-cream.

You have no idea how good I feel......

[Catherine]

Here's one for today:

The Society for the Preservation of Tithesis commends your ebriated and
scrutable use of delible and defatigable, which are gainly, sipid
and couth.

We are gruntled and consolate that you have the ertia and
eptitude to choose such putably pensible tithesis, which we parage.

[GeneInAlabama]

HUH?

[JohnH]

i like it.

[kcjenkins]

HUH?

Properly, though much less amusingly, the whole prefix - anti- should have been chopped off. That said, 'an' can stand as a prefix in its own right, usually meaning a negative, and taken directly from classical Greek where it works in the same way. The others work as follows (although the majority, I should stress, are rarely, if ever in use):

Ebriate, from Latin ebriatus: made drunk, means intoxicated.

Scrutable, from Latin scrutari: to examine, means that which can be understood by scrutiny.

delible, from Latin delebilis that may be blotted out, thus meaning capable of being deleted or effaced.

defatigable, from Latin fatigare: to tire, means apt to be wearied; capable of being wearied.

gainly, from obsolete Scots dialect, means variously proper, suitable, becoming; ready to help, kindly, gracious; (of conduct) graceful, tactful; (of bodily form attitude, or movement) graceful, shapely.

sipid, a back-formation from Latin L. insipidus tasteless, means savoury

couth (which has a variety of other meanings dating from 1000) in this context means cultured, well-mannered.

gruntled, a back-formation from disgruntled, means pleased, satisfied, contented.

consolate, from Latin consolari: to console, means consoled.

eptitude exists, it's a noun formation of the adj. ept: able, although most cited users seem to add "if this is a real word" to their comment.

parage, from French parage, meaning equality in rank, means noble lineage or high rank; value, worth; equality of birth or station, as in members of the same family.

Ertia, putably and pensible do not exist, although the same logic applied to them would mean that they mean the opposite of INertia, DISputably, and INDISpensible. Fascinating how many actually may be found in dictionaries, if not in general use.

[JohnH]

Language can take some interesting twists and turns. Reminds me of the story about the guy arriving at the Boston airport after a long flight. He jumped into the back of a cab and blurted out "Can you take somewhere to get scrod right now?"

The cabbie replied "Mister I've heard that question lots of times and many ways. But this is the first time anybody's asked it in the pluperfect subjunctive."

[Jack from Ohio]

Joke of the day: An old man walking to his mailbox on his 90th birthday turns back towards the house and finds a lovely young thing in his path. He asks her what she wants and she says that she is there to give him "super" sex for his birthday. He smiles and says, " I guess I'll have the soup". LOL

[Jack from Ohio]

(Removed due to the angst caused by my original post.)

[Jack from Ohio]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his a_ _, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bulls_ _tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....

[Jack from Ohio]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He Got into the taxi, and said, "Perfect timing. You're just Like Andrew"

Cabbie: "Who?"

Passenger: "Andrew Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that to Andrew Sullivan, every single time."

Cabbie: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Passenger: "Not Andrew Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Cabbie: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Passenger: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andrew Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Cabbie: "Wow. Some guy then."

Passenger: "Yep, and he really knew how to treat a woman. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andrew Sullivan."

Cabbie: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Passenger: "Well, I never actually met Andrew. He died. I'm married to his damned widow."

[GeneInAlabama]

My wife's first husband was a scoundrel. I have always said that I would rather be married to a woman whose first husband was a live scoundrel than a dead saint. It makes you look like a hero.

[Guest Taxed]

My wife's first husband was a scoundrel. I have always said that I would rather be married to a woman whose first husband was a live scoundrel than a dead saint. It makes you look like a hero.

Gene that is a good one! And absolutely true.

[Catherine]

Subject: Taking Dad Shopping

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours; green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked: " What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response; knowing that he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
"Got stoned once and (rude word for had relations with) a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"

[kcjenkins]

ROTFLMAO !!!!!!!!!