Laugh of the Day

[Jack from Ohio]

Crow Mystery Solved.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist acquired a US Federal Grant and examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

Thanks to the Grant the MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah, Cah," none could say "Truck."

[GeneInAlabama]

SCL, KC is not only a moderator but a very valuable member to this board. If you don't like what is on this forum, there are lots of other forums out there. Maybe you can find one more to your liking.

While I do not care for jokes that refer to breaking God's laws, I can read over them without getting all upset about them. Most of KC's jokes are very humorous and I for one enjoy reading them. Are you so sensitive that you are going to try to censor everything that you don't like? If that is the case, you have a rough life ahead of you.

[JohnH]

Good response Gene.

A thick skin is a valuable asset in the tax business.

Anyone who comes here without one can find a valuable opportunity to work on that shortcoming - provided they are teachable.

[ILLMAS]

This man was so cheap, we would watch movies in reverse to see when the prostitute returned the money.

[Jack from Ohio]

Newest joke of the day....

SCL has a sense of humor!!!

[Lion EA]

I have always loved KC's Laugh of the Day. They have gotten me through many a tax appointment. And, as I'm aging fast myself, I loved Catherine's joke where the older person has a response ready (I often think of mine while driving home!). I liked that age and experience triumphed over youth. But, you can always skip the threads labeled Laugh of the Day.

[Catherine]

Here's one my cousin sent me. Humorless persons beware; the rest of you have a good chuckle.

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

[kcjenkins]

Lion, that was my exact reaction to that joke. Maybe you have to reach a certain age to get to the point you cheer on any smart comeback from an "old guy or gal"?

I'm not going to bother with criticisims about jokes. A joke is always an attempt at sharing a smile with your audience. Not all work for all people, but they are all meant in the spirit of sharing cheerfulness, so if it falls flat for me, I will ignore it and move on. Only if I think something was clearly meant to hurt someone would I object. We all need laughs in our lives. After Don died, my boys called often, just to 'check on Mom', and some of the best parts of those calls were the jokes they shared with me. Don had always loved god jokes, and hearing the boys carry on that tradition gave me a great lift in a hard time. If I can give someone else a smile now and then, I will.

SLC has been a member since the start, back in Aprill 07, and has only posted 219 posts in all those years, and most of the recent ones have been negative in tone. I hope that's not due to problems in his life. He can attack me, I'm a tough old bird, but attacking Catherine IS NOT ALLOWED.

[ILLMAS]

Only in Ohio, I wished a Bears fan would thought about this.

http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2013/07/09/browns-to-honor-fan-who-took-shot-at-team-in-obituary/

[ILLMAS]

Grandpa: Timmy accept me as a Facebook friend

Timmy: WTF! You have Facebook grandpa?

Grandpa: What is WTF?

Timmy: Welcome to Facebook

[kcjenkins]

While cleaning the attic, Joan and Harry found an old stub for some shoes they left at the repair shop 10 years ago. They thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there. So they did. They handed the stub to the repair man who took it and looked in the back. He came out again and said, "They'll be ready on Wednesday."

[kcjenkins]

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

[kcjenkins]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[kcjenkins]

OK, your turn now. Add a good one, we all need to laugh more.

[Catherine]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

[Catherine]

Adapted from a humor piece by Peter Egan and originally published in Road & Track's April, 1996 edition as borrowed from JumboJoke.com. For reference, I have many of the tools listed, so perhaps a plain-old "Guide to Tools" should now be the title.

On second thought, after the "vice grip" (sic) maybe we'll leave this for the guys.

A Man's Guide to Tools

This is not, by any means, a full and complete list. But it'll get even the most handy handyman started.

Skil Saw
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

Belt Sander

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Wire Wheel
Cleans paint off bolts, and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.

Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle — it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise Grips
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. (Note the spelling: a "Vice Grip" is something else entirely.)

Oxyacetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

Table Saw
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!

Hydraulic Floor Jack
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. (Note: not the opposite of a Gay Screwdriver.)

Pry Bar
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC Pipe Cutter
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Utility Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

Son Of A Bitch Tool
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after using any of the above.

[- See more at: http://www.jumbojoke.com/a_mans_guide_to_tools.html#sthash.Z5o6eKPw.dpuf]

[Catherine]

And another from Jumbo Joke:

Australia Q&A

The questions below about Australia are supposedly true, and are from an Australian tourism website. The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure. It's only three thousand miles, so take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No -- WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

- See more at: http://www.jumbojoke.com/australia_qa.html#sthash.EXCgkpSO.dpuf

[kcjenkins]

The hippo races just cracked me up, Cat. Love it.

Also, made me think of some of the questions we get asked while doing tax returns, and how I often wished I could answer them!

[SCL]

Lion, that was my exact reaction to that joke. Maybe you have to reach a certain age to get to the point you cheer on any smart comeback from an "old guy or gal"?

I'm not going to bother with criticisims about jokes. A joke is always an attempt at sharing a smile with your audience. Not all work for all people, but they are all meant in the spirit of sharing cheerfulness, so if it falls flat for me, I will ignore it and move on. Only if I think something was clearly meant to hurt someone would I object. We all need laughs in our lives. After Don died, my boys called often, just to 'check on Mom', and some of the best parts of those calls were the jokes they shared with me. Don had always loved good jokes, and hearing the boys carry on that tradition gave me a great lift in a hard time. If I can give someone else a smile now and then, I will.

SLC has been a member since the start, back in Aprill 07, and has only posted 219 posts in all those years, and most of the recent ones have been negative in tone. I hope that's not due to problems in his life. He can attack me, I'm a tough old bird, but attacking Catherine IS NOT ALLOWED.

thanks for your (in)sincere concern about my life...don't worry, it's fine.

and you??

[kcjenkins]

It is sincere. And my life is improving, since I've moved close to my kids. It really helps to have a reason to get up and do, like this weekend going to the county fair to watch my granddaugther show her rabbits. Also went with most of the family to see Weird Al's show Sat. Something I'd never have done on my own, but enjoyed.

[Catherine]

Weird Al is such a hoot!

[kcjenkins]

Yep. His Star Wars bit is worth the whole effort, by itself.

PS Yay!! My Grandaughter's bunny won Best of Breed for holland lop!

[Catherine]

Congratulations to your granddaughter! You (and her parents) must be very proud!

[Catherine]

To continue the family pride theme KC has us started on, from Jumbo Joke dot com:

The Phases of Parenthood

When You Find Out
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Sure, boys can wear pink.

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifiers
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the he pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and to the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood spraying.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Photography
1st baby: You take photos of every milestone in the baby's life, including spitting up, skinned knees, meeting grandma, and more.
2nd baby: You try to take photos at least once a year.
3rd baby: He looks enough like his brother that taking photos is redundant.

Posted June 22, 2007 8:00 AM

- See more at: http://www.jumbojoke.com/the_phases_of_parenthood.html#sthash.Jncu5E6G.dpuf

[kcjenkins]

Chocolate Chip Cookies for Scientists

Ingredients:

532.35 cm3 gluten

4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

4.9 cm3 refined halite

236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients 1, 2 and 3 with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients 4, 5, 6, and 7 until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient 8, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient 9 and 10 slowly, with constant agitation.

Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Enjoy!