Laugh of the Day

[kcjenkins]

Heavenly Bran Muffins

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

[Catherine]

Under the heading of "can't go wrong with the classics" I present:

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

—The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

—”Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

—”Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.

—”Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

—”Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

—”Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?”persisted Satan.

—”Yep,” was the calm reply.

—”And you ‘re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

—”Nope,” said the old man.

—Totally perplexed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

—The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

[Margaret CPA in OH]

The Light Turned Yellow

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless

[Margaret CPA in OH]

My Inconclusive Travel Plans for 2012

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have

to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my

partner, work and politicians who affect my life.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not

too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not

to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand

firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting

older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the

adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all

the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I must've been sleeping while

traveling through. It's an age thing.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the

year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at

least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in

your head -we're all doing pretty good in mine!

[kcjenkins]

The Miracle of Miniaturization

When I was in grade school, I remember other kids who were hard of hearing -- they had to wear hearing aids. Back then, hearing aids were often pretty big: the size of a transistor radio (yeah yeah: no one remembers those anymore either! I'll say "pack of cigarettes" -- and hope that it won't be long before people have trouble understanding what size that is!) Anyway, they were pretty big, often worn in a shirt pocket with wires going up to earphones.

Naturally, kids felt awfully self-conscious with those wires coming out of their ears, which made them look "different". These days, thanks to the miracle of electronics and miniaturization, hearing aids are now so small that you often don't even notice when people are wearing them, and the hard-of-hearing don't have to feel self-conscious because of their hearing aids.

Well here we are in the 21st century. And these days, thanks to the miracle of electronics and miniaturization, most electronic devices are pretty tiny. Rather than needing a large stereo system with stacks of CDs (or, the horror!, vinyl records), you can now pack hundreds of hours of high fidelity music on a device the size of a pack of gum, often worn in a shirt pocket with wires going up to earphones. Naturally, the kids who can't afford them feel awfully self-conscious since they clearly don't have them.

But the people who can afford them often have them turned up way too loud, pumping high-volume music directly into their ears for hours and hours every day -- resulting in a new generation of hard-of-hearing kids....

[Catherine]

Wile E Coyote versus Acme Corporation

http://boomslanger.com/CoyotevsAcme.htm

[kcjenkins]

That brings back many memories, doesn't it? Loved those cartoons!