SCL Posted November 9, 2013 Report Share Posted November 9, 2013 andrew dice clay: women...you can't live with them, and you can't get rid of them. (I paraphrased his punch line ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SCL Posted November 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2013 karma for a queen bee can be a real bitch. look in any window...tell me what you see? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WITAXLADY Posted November 18, 2013 Report Share Posted November 18, 2013 oh I heard it like this.. men you can't live with them and you can't shoot them.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SCL Posted November 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2013 LOL witaxlady...thanks for your "dice", or any other, humorous insight.it could just as well be...women/men, you can't live with them BUT you can't live without them.karma can still be a bitch for any authoritarian despot...look in any window and tell me what you see. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted November 20, 2013 Report Share Posted November 20, 2013 A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant to celebrate the man's birthday, and order the house specialty, Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Did you see that!?" she asks her husband. He hadn't noticed anything odd, so she asks him to look in the pot. Just as he reaches for it, again the lid rises, and now he also sees two little eyes looking around before the lid again slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "What did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah! So sorry," says the waiter. "I bring you Peeking Duck." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted November 20, 2013 Report Share Posted November 20, 2013 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Taxed Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Did not get the bed joke?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Did not get the bed joke?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeneInAlabama Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 I don't know about others, but my bed is certainly like a magnet. The hardest thing I do every day is get out of bed. Once I do that, the rest of the day is OK. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Taxed Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 I am ready to jump out at the crack of dawn and get my strong coffee! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lion EA Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 When my retired husband is sleeping in, it's really, really, hard for me to get up. Similarly, when he goes to bed before me, it's hard to keep working. When he's away, I can keep any hours with no difficulty. So, the empty bed in your picture just makes me think of changing sheets or doing laundry. But, a bed with a sleeping person or even a pet makes me want to nap! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 I do know what you mean, Lion, but I still find my bed draws me, whether it's empty or my dog is waiting for me on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lion EA Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 This is probably as good a place as any to let you all laugh at this old lady skydiving: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKxp9APHBVw&feature=youtube_gdata_player 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnH Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 This is probably as good a place as any to let you all laugh at this old lady skydiving: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKxp9APHBVw&feature=youtube_gdata_playerThat is on my bucket list Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 WAY TO GO, RITA !!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret CPA in OH Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Indeed, way to go! Thanks for sharing. My neighbor has offered to go with me next year so I will take her up on it - when I return from my dive trip to Chuuk Lagoon. That has been my dream trip for about 15 years to see all the sunken battleships and planes from WWII. I've been to Palau, Indonesia and Fiji and didn't think I would get back there but it will happen in July. Hey, we have to LIVE our lives, right? Thanks for the inspiration and example of how to have a really good time! I saw the smiles all the waaaaayyyyyyy down. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lion EA Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Yep, we were all smiling, before, during, and after! And, Margaret, you've dived through the depths so diving from two miles up should round out your exploration.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack from Ohio Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kea Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Wow, you're much braver than I am! It looked really amazing (even if I'm too scared to try). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail in Virginia Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 I have never had any desire to jump out of a perfectly good airplane - I am afraid of heights, so they will have to set the plane on fire to get me to jump out. But you go Rita! I understand it is an awesome experience. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Wow -- fantastic!! Congratulations. Next time anyone accuses tax accountants of being "stuffy" they should get that video played for them. Have you considered playing it on continuous loop (silently or low volume) in your office during the season, for clients to enjoy? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Ditto, Gail. I admire her for doing it, but very much not for me.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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