Laugh of the Day - for anyone 50 or older

[Catherine]

my cousin sent me this one...

Dave Barry can make anything funny!

Fwd Message: Colonoscopy Journal

For those that have and those that will, this is a good one...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal: >

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
Around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

---------------------------------------------------
Colonoscopies are no joke! Get one.

[Lion EA]

My cousin sent me Dave Barry's article when I was procrastinating. His son is a colon cancer survivor, but only due to an hours long surgery that removed parts of three major organs. So, I finally made an appointment. Dave Barry tells the truth! Honestly. It took me 24 hours to down the gallons of liquid that tasted like wet salt. I love salty foods, but drinks should not be salty, with the exception of margaritas. Next time I will add tequila. My doctor's follow-up letter included his thank you for my thorough preparation!

He did have to snip out a couple of polyps, not unusual for my age. But, the best part is that I don't have to return for five years.

Get a colonoscopy. It's a medical procedure that can actually prevent cancer.

[taxxcpa]

My doctor tried to get me to have one. I said, "No."

I'll just take my chances. That was a couple of years ago and I'm still living with no signs of cancer.

[JohnH]

Bad decision.

If you're right, no problem.

If your doctor is right, you're in big trouble.

Colon cancer is on of the deadliest cancers once symptoms appear, and one of the easiest to treat/prevent if caught in time. At age 65 I've had 4 colonoscopies and they're no big deal - less stressful than a trip to the dentist once you get through the evening before. And far easier than a sigmoidoscopy - I've had a couple of those as well.

[Lion EA]

Just like Farrah Fawcett Majors! Seriously, I procrastinated for over a decade, so I know the feeling. But, with those soft tissues, you may not have any signs until three major organs are cancer-riddled. A new internist after my older doctor retired finally talked some sense into me. The procedure is nothing as you're asleep. Drinking a gallon of salty liquid is nasty, but no worse than some things we do for health or love or money! It's not as bad as the flu or food poisoning, really, and doesn't last as long, either.

My cousin's kid laughs that he doesn't have to use the porta-potties on construction sites anymore. But, he'd give anything to not be wearing the bag and have severe diet restrictions and be taking lots of medications and taking time away from his family and work to go to a major medical center for tests every three months, not to mention the months out of work recuperating from his surgery.

Have the colonoscopy. Do the prep on Sunday, have the procedure on Monday, be back at work after a great lunch out or at least by Tuesday. The doctor told my husband to take me out for a great dinner with wine! We stopped at Five Guys for lunch on the way home, but he wasn't off the hook and had to take me out to a nice dinner that night also.

[OldJack]

After it was over I ask the doctor what condition it was in, he said it was in good shape for a "well used" colon.

[JohnH]

I asked my doctor if he'd give me a note for my wife certifying that my head wasn't up there, but he politely refused.

[Lion EA]

You could show her the pictures!

[OldJack]

Did you say there were pictures??? Oh my God!!! I hope they don't get posted on the internet!

[JohnH]

There could be pictures, and he may have actually told her something or the other during the after-procedure conversation. But I wouldn't really know because I pretty much dozed through that conversation.

The best part is going home after the procedure is over. What man wouldn't enjoy napping on the sofa, watching TV, eating everything in sight, and passing gas all afternoon? Plus your wife being pleased about all of it...

[Jack from Ohio]

My doctor tried to get me to have one. I said, "No."

I'll just take my chances. That was a couple of years ago and I'm still living with no signs of cancer.

Grab-em with both hands and go get the test done. Be a man and maybe save your life. Being afraid of a simple test that may save your life is for children.

Had mine 3 weeks ago. Ditto the experiences listed by everyone above. Slept right through it. No need for a repeat until 2022!!

[NECPA in NEBRASKA]

My sister is having one soon and they are just having her take a bunch of dulcolax and gatorade. I guess they have discovered that this will do the job as well as the other stuff. I guess we will find out if it works for her.

[Lion EA]

Tell her not to use any drink with red dye.

A client was having trouble drinking all the fluid, using the prep stuff in water, so his doctor told him to add Kool-Aid. He did that and said it was worse. He'd used the Kool-Aid powder without adding any sugar!

[JohnH]

Now THAT'S an interesting motivator.

If they could develop a colonoscope which could filter out the red hue, but then tell everyone to use red gatorade, red Kool-Aid, or cranberry juice for the bowel prep. I'll bet once that evening is over, they'd be running to the doctor's office to get the procedure done.

[NECPA in NEBRASKA]

She can't drink any red, blue or purple gatorade, which I think pretty much leaves lemon lime. There are probably a few others, but it's probably better than the old stuff.I know that I need to get one this year, but not until after 4/15.

[joanmcq]

Ugh, I've had two. Last one, I got an endoscopy as a bonus during the procedure. That's when they stick a tube done your throat and look at your esophagus and stomach too. I hope they didn't use the same scope :0

[JohnH]

If they do, hopefully it's in the correct order.

At least there's a 50% chance they'll get it right.

[TAXMAN]

They said I could watch on TV screen If I wanted to. At least they convinced my wife I was not full of whatever. Do not want to do this again.

[mcb39]

Ugh, I've had two. Last one, I got an endoscopy as a bonus during the procedure. That's when they stick a tube done your throat and look at your esophagus and stomach too. I hope they didn't use the same scope :0

Our Doctor calls that a "spin"! Really! He won't tell if he uses the same tube, but he says he does the esophagus first.

[JohnH]

I was only kidding. A gastroscope is used for the EGD and a colonoscope is used for the colonoscopy. They are different lengths, different diameters, and the design is slightly different.

[Catherine]

A friend and my husband both had to "swallow the camera" (as my friend put it). Again, they put you under so you don't know what's going on. The worst part was drinking the glop. I put a big book (size of "War and Peace" lol) in the bathroom and so had entertainment for the day. I got 10 years for a callback.

Another friend, whose dad died of colon cancer, had to go every year for probably over a decade; lots of polyps when she was in her 30's! After watching what her dad went through, she considers her every 3 years (or so) schedule to be luxury.

[JJStephens]

Did my first one at age 50. Went so well I got a ten year pass. Alas, time is running out. In another year and a half I get to have all that fun all over again.