Dear Client

[TAXBILLY]

Dear Client:

I'm sorry that it was my fault that you owe $3000 this year when last year you got a $1000 refund. I know it was my fault for not telling you to withhold from the 401(k) distribution that you received (and didn't tell me about it). I hope next year your new more qualified preparer will prevent that from happening and you will again be a happy camper.

taxbilly

[RitaB]

Dear Client,

I'm sorry you cheated so much in 2007 that your income was negative, and you didn't get "that there unearned income credit cuz of yer kid" like your brother did. I'm also sorry that you overcompensated on your "figurements" for 2008 and owed a bundle. It is equally sad that the 2008 preparer charged you so much, and I am REALLY excited that you want to come back to me. Seriously, I am. Unfortunately, I am all booked up, but it has been a pleasure working with you.

[rfassett]

Dear Client,

I really do care that you could not get along as husband and wife. And I am really sorry that you did not see one cent from you 2006 refund (because your spouse took it all). I will try harder to be at his house when the check arrives so I can make certain he does not forge your name when the 2009 check arrives. It took the postman too long to arrive at my last client that's why I did not make it in time for the 2006. Oh - here's a thought - CALL YOUR FRIGGIN ATTORNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a truth - if I make it through the next nine days without going postal on somebody, it will be only be by the hand of God!

[RitaB]

Dear Client,

I am sorry that you cannot deduct the value of your own labor. You are (apparently) worth a lot.

[ILLMAS]

Dear Client,

YOUR FIRED!!!!

[rfassett]

This is fun!

Dear client, I am sorry that I am an idiot. You called and complained about the fee I charged for your $220 tax return and said you will not be back next year. I checked my records because that amount did not ring a bell. There were, in fact, two returns, and the fee was $205 for the both. You made the check out for $220 and my secretary gave you $15 cash back. Tell me again how much I charged you for your return? Oh never mind. Help me out MAS -

YOU ARE FIRED!!!

[BulldogTom]

Dear Client,

In response to you inquiry on why you must pay this year, I would like to point out that your spouse's business she started the year before made over 25K in profits this year. She did very well, and I am sure that extra money helped out. I would also like to remind you of the conversation we had last year about checking in with me at mid year to see if there might be a need for estimated tax payments. I still have not recieved that call, but you will notice I have included the vouchers for your estimated tax payments for the upcoming year, the first of which is due on April 15th.

In response to your second inquiry of whether I could just ignore the 6,800 that you included on your organizer but did not recieve a 1099 Misc for, I am sorry, the IRS does not look kindly upon tax preparers who assist their clients in committing fraud. My license is too valuable to me to risk it on a client who's check for my services bounced last year.

As to your third inquiry about offers in compromise, I would appreciate the opportunity to assist you in filing the required documents, however, I will need a retainer of $2,000 up front, payable in cash if you please. Please note that my services in this area will not guarantee any settlement from the IRS, I will merely present your case for you. You will need to list all of your assets, including the value of the Mercedes you pulled up in for your appointment, and the jewlery you were so proud of that your wife was wearing. How much did you say that rock on her finger cost?

As a final word of advice, before you begin the offer in compromise process, you should check with your employer, the State of California Franchise Tax Board, about any possible negative impacts to your employment if you proceed with this course of action.

Thank you.

[grandmabee]

Dear Client,

I want to thank you for the TWO calls you left me telling me not to forget the new credit... I think it was a Sch M. My friend said I should tell you in case you didn't know about it.

RIGHT because your friend may know more than me.!! I only do this for a living

[RitaB]

Dear Client,

Thank you for informing me today that your divorce was final yesterday, and how easy it was to check your ex-wife's e-mail and catch her cheating. I was also glad to hear that even though with your military training you could have killed them both simultaneously without breaking a sweat, you have chosen to take the high road and let them live. Kudos to you. And, it really is interesting that with the proper torque the human neck actually WILL snap like a twig. Hmm. Who knew?

I also appreciate the additional 45 minutes you took to explain in great detail how your kids hate that %$^&* now, but you hope that will smooth out in time as you help them cope. It is inspiring to see how lives are transformed when forgiveness takes place. And, I am certain that vein popping out in your neck will smooth out soon, too. It has been warm in the office and all.

Finally, I appreciate the dinner invitation, but will be unable to attend. Ever. Thank you.

[JohnH]

Dear Client:

I need the name and phone number for your mechanic and your hairstylist. They both obviously know much more about taxes than I do, since you always take their advice over mine. I want to know where they earned their Economics degree and their tax training because I want to burn my diplomas and enroll at the schools where they matriculated. (And if either of them actually knows the definition of the word "matriculated", I'll prepare your returns free for the next 10 years).

Sincerely,

[kcjenkins]

Dear Client,

Thanks for that call today asking for an appointment this Saturday, because you can't get in during the week. No, I do NOT work on Sunday, and no, I'm not making any appointments between now and the 15th, but if you want to drop your stuff by during business hours, I'll be happy to file you an extension and will get it done as soon as possible.

Yes, you may qualify for that new $8,000 credit, IF you bought a new home in 2009, or before 4/31, 2010. But you DO have to have proof that you bought it, and you can not buy it from a relative, so just using your brother's address, as you mentioned, will not make you eligible for that credit. You'll need the HUD-1 form that you got at closing, as well as proof you actually moved into the new home before the deadline.

As for my fees, while the basic fees have not gone up, there are several new forms that you may need this year, so yes, it is possible that your fee will go up. How much I can not say until I see your information. And no, the fees do not go down after the 15th.

Have a good day, and let me know if you want me to file that extension.

[RitaB]

Dear Client,

Thank you for your call today inquiring as to the definition of the word "matriculated." I'm sorry that I am not familiar with that word and was unable to assist you when you called. Since I understand that ten free tax returns are at stake for one of your friends, I will get right on that, and call you soon. Thank you.

P. S. I would like to come to your shop on April 16 if possible to have my hair done. My roots are hideous.

[JohnH]

Very good Rita.

Very, very good. :)

[mcb39]

Dear Client.....

Would you please stop calling me and wasting my time. I will let you know when your tax return is ready. By the way, you just went to the bottom of the stack.

Sincerely,

P.S. Please read all of the posts by RitaB as they are all pertinent and right to the point. (Also, extremely funny)..........

[Catherine]

Dear Client --

I called you two weeks ago to let you know your taxes are done. When you called back, for the first time, THIS morning, I was already fully booked for the day. I know you're in a hurry to get your refund and are now mad that I can't change my schedule to "squeeze you in" and that tomorrow isn't as convenient for you. Tough noogies.

Sincerely,

[Terry D EA]

Dear Client,

Thank you for calling and insisting that I file an extension and include a payment amount with the extension that you do not owe. I encourage you to give your bookkeeper a raise for being far more knowedgable then I who worked hideous hours unraveling the messiness of your financial statements. Don't bother to recognize the 23K loss titled Net Income/Loss from operations from my certified finacial statements as it us not relevent because your efficient bookkeeper entered transactions in a closed period. Again, I point you to giving her a raise due to her ability to find, override, and bring my errors to your attention. I am sure you have noticed the reduction in the fee I charged this year in an attmept to be sensitive to harsh economic times. However, be adivsed the discount is not available when it comes to filing extensions of this nature. See the portion in your contract regarding the additional charges for dumb looks and responses to stupid requests.

P.S. YOUR FIRED! Go find another "frickin", "friggin" (JB's words) accountant.

[TaxmannEA]

Dear Client,

Words cannot express the joy that I felt when I entered my office yesterday and discovered the large box of documents that you so thoughtfully dropped off for me. I was especially impressed with the fact that you arranged the 50 or so receipt books in chrono;ogical order to help me separate the 3 different years that are needed to be filed. I only wish that you had so arranged the other invoices. check statements, etc. in the same manner. Be assured that I will treat your account with the same regard that you show for my time and effort.

Since you told my assistant that you could not afford to hire a bookkeeper I will be happy to give you a reason when calculate my fees for this project. You also might want to spend some time looking for a good proctologist in the next few months as you will need one to remove any further packages that you send my way in the future.

I LOVE THIS BUSINESS!!!!!!!!

[Ray in Ohio]

Dear Client,

Thank you so much for calling me during my extremely busy "cram period" to ask a few "simple" questions. I really am not in the business of walking my clients through the steps of "filing your son's return online". And no I am not familiar with that process. To answer your question, yes I would have a few "pointers". One would be... bring the cotton pickin W2 to my office and I will file the frikkin return for you and charge the measly $45 bucks rather than spend 30 minutes on the phone with you trying to walk you through the FRIKKIN FREE FILE PROGRAM. Plus it would help if you would have at least basic computer skills in order to accomplish something of this magnitude.

(ok back to work)

[RitaB]

...bring the cotton pickin W2 to my office and I will file the frikkin return for you and charge the measly $45 bucks rather than spend 30 minutes on the phone with you trying to walk you through...

LOL @ Ray. I actually did a 2009 return for a church "friend" FREE to keep from "helping" her. She got $5,000 in refundable credits. She had the SECRETARY at her MECHANIC'S shop (not making this up) "help" her last year and got back $100. Guess who won't be amending the 2008 return for free? Agape is over, BFF.

[Lion EA]

Dear Client,

No. I do not know which box you should check in TurboTax. I know I use software also, but not TurboTax. I still think you should call TT even though you can reach me anytime (that's going to change now that I recognize your telephone number) and have a long hold time on TT in April. Since I gave you your K-1 way back on 1 March at your insistence nice and early, why are you still preparing your personal return in April, anyway?! Yes, I know the partner's health insurance came from the K-1 that I prepared for your partnership, but I do not know the situation on your personal return or how big a loss you have from self-employment (Mary Kay) or what your schedule SE reports, so I cannot tell you where you qualify to deduct how much health insurance on your return. The same for your HSA and your SIMPLE plan. If you were not too cheap to have me prepare your personal return also, you would not be going through this. And, the four telephone calls we've had re your personal return would've been time enough for me to prepare your personal returns. I do not agree with you that it is my responsibility, as the preparer of your K-1, to follow it through your personal return when I have never laid eyes on your personal return. Yes, I know you were busy buying Easter things for your daughters and didn't have time to read the instructions. I would be glad to read the instructions for you at my current hourly rate. But, it's easy and won't take me any time at all, you say? I know I met you at church, but to quote RitaB, "Agape is over."

Not your Form 1040 preparer,

Rita L

[jklcpa]

Dear Client,

Thank you for showing up at my house last Sunday morning unannounced. That was a very special moment for me. Also, thank you for twice rescheduling (at the last moment) your appointment to pick up your completed returns. That simple act helped me run my office in the most efficient manner possible.

I also appreciate the consideration you showed me when you called my house at 8:30 pm a few nights ago to discuss a prior year IRS notice. What a wise person you are to have come up with the idea of "calling the IRS and playing dumb" to see if you can find out what the notice means. That makes much more sense than listening to your brother's advice, or mine.

PS - it wouldn't be pretending when you call the IRS. You ARE dumb.

PPS - YOU'RE FIRED!

[Catherine]

Dear Client (who never showed up last week as announced):

First, I wish to thank you most sincerely for not showing up (without notice or warning) last week - after announcing the prior day that I should expect you (not asking, announcing). At this time of the tax season, ANY extra time to work on returns is truly appreciated.

I noticed this morning that you sent me an email at 1AM informing me that you would be dropping off papers today at 3PM; would I be here? Well, the answer unfortunately is "no" (my daughter has an afternoon activity and I will be a taxi driver at that time), but you can surely put those documents through the mail slot, and they will be here, safe and secure, until I get back later on. I promise not to step all over them when I return.

In answer to your question of will I be able to file your returns by 4/15, the answer again is "no". It's good that you noted that an extension was OK, as I filed one for you last week. And at the moment I do not recall why your tax preparation bill last year was $383, or if this year's bill will be about the same - but be certain that I will be looking into this issue as the most important one of my day.