Naveen Mohan from New York Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Dear Friend: this is not a tax question. You are my extended family. I have been married to my wife for 37 years. two weeks ago she caught flu which shut down her lung and kidney and caused conjustive heart failure.. She has been on ventilator and Dialysis for two weeks. Today doctor told me that nothing more can be done and even if she recovered which is unlikely she will have to live on machine for the rest of her life. My wife living will said that she did not want to live on machine and if something like that happen then to let her die. So hospital wants to shut down the machine so that she can die peacefully. I know that is what she wanted and I want to honor her wishes but how do you pull plug on somebody whom you have loved for 37 years. I am sure some of you may have encountered the similar situation but how did you handle it emotionally? thanks Naveen Mohan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NECPA in NEBRASKA Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Naveen, I am so terribly sorry. I have not been in this situation, but could be at any time. You are correct, we are your extended family and I'm sure that we all would like to help you with your grief. I can't imagine your pain. I can only tell you how sorry I am and that you and your wife will be in my prayers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jklcpa Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Oh dear, no! I am so very, very sorry Naveen! Reading this has the tears rolling for you and your wife. I have not been in your situation, but my husband battled cancer 12 years ago and survived. When we heard his diagnosis and the slim chances he had for remission, I did mentally say goodbye in some ways, and it was so hard to think about in those early months of his treatment. I'm sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom for you except to trust that this is truly what your wife wanted if that is the path, be kind to yourself, and rely on family and friends as much as you can for emotion support. If there is anything that I can personally help you with, please don't hesitate to ask. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margaret CPA in OH Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Oh Naveen,Words are really inadequate at such a time. How moved are we all that you would share such painful news knowing that we are a family of sorts and hold each other in our hearts, now especially you.Listen to your heart and the wisdom around you and be guided by the most loving act you can make whatever that may be. I, too, hold you in prayer for guidance and comfort. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnH Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Naveen: I am very sorry to hear of your situation. It must be devastating to you at this moment. As many on this forum have also done, I have been involved in several situations in which a decision to discontinue life support had to be made, although not my wife. But in each situation, it was a great comfort to know that the loved one had clearly stated via a living will that this was their wish. It is a much more difficult decision when the person's wishes are not clearly understood. So your wife in her foresight gave you the peace of knowing that what you are being asked to do is according to her wishes. You are not making this decision alone, because you also have the advice of the medical professionals to help guide you in complying with her wishes. You aren't pulling the plug - you are doing what she requested be done if this situation ever occurred. But that doesn't lessen the grief, so just know that I and others on this forum will be praying especially for you over the coming hours and beyond. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RitaB Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Naveen, I am very sorry and you have my prayers and encouragement as well. John is so well spoken, I will just say I agree with his comments. May you have peace and rest, and you will be in our thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lion EA Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 My father-in-law had to do just that. He called his only son, my husband to go there; we hopped in the car and hit the road from CT to PA. But, Dad decided he wanted that to be a private time with his wife. He had a friend out in the waiting room; the friend took him home when all was over and waited with Dad until we arrived. I guess I'm saying to not be alone, to have a trusted friend with you or just outside, someone who can stay as needed and just be quiet or listen to you. If that's family, that's wonderful; but families can be spread far apart. My husband had just been with his mother, so he had less of a need to say goodbye than Dad who needed the time to say goodbye in his own way after 50+ years of marriage. I have an engineer client, very analytical, who lost his wife a few years ago. When he returned to have his taxes prepared a year after her passing, he teared up and said to me that people tell him he'll be better now that a year has passed. But, he said, it never goes away, you just learn to live a new way. I was very touched that he could open up to me. We are your family and will listen to you and love you and cry and pray. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAXMAN Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I am really sorry for your situation. I was placed in this situation 15 years ago with my father. I was thankful for the medical directive but it still did not make it any easier. I still have thoughts about it today when I hear of these. I get by with prayer, help from my friends and a thought that he now has no more pain or illness. I will keep you in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yardley CPA Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Very sorry to hear of this and I extend thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richcpaman Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Naveen: So sorry to hear of this development. 15 years ago, I was called away during tax season because my father had suffered a severe brain aneurism, and was on life support. We did not have the Living Will directive in his case, but had to make the choice to discontinue the machines. It was difficult, but I would rather remember my father out on the softball field then him in the hospital. It is really hard now, but you know your wife and her wishes, and it is what I hope my wife would do if facing the same circumstances with me in the future. When you do the right things, the future is always easier. If in your situation, I would be devastated. May there be a miracle, if possible. Peace to you and your wife. Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail in Virginia Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I don't know what I can add to what everyone else has said. I cannot imagine the pain of making that decision for a spouse; but as John said, your wife actually made the decision and you are simply honoring her wishes. Sometimes all that we can do is cope the best we can one day at a time, and depend on our friends, our family and our God to get us through the process of grieving. This is not something that you will get over, but I trust that you will learn to live with the pain and to remember the good times. What an honor that you choose us to share your pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rfassett Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Naveen - I have no words of guidance. You are walking a path that is frightening beyond measure. I have been married for over 41 years and just cannot imagine the emotional turmoil thrust upon you. Life is very hard at times and can seem so unfair. I cry with you - even now. You have received some very good counsel on this thread. Just know that you are not facing this emotional trauma alone. I can say without hesitation that you will never get over the grief. You will learn to cope with it as time goes on. And grieving is like finger prints, it is different for everyone. A time limit cannot and should not be placed upon it. I would encourage you to rely heavily on family and friends. And know that this group is strong with prayer warriors. I too will continue to pray for you. I have no strength of my own, but the God of all creation hears our prayers. And that is why I pray for you - because I believe He hears when we pray. So even now Lord Jesus, I come before You with a very heavy heart. I do not know Naveen or his wife, but You do. And You know the situation. You are a sovereign God. And not just sovereign in the big things. You have told us that You care even about the sparrow. And so too, You care about Naveen and his wife. You are in the situation, even now, with Naveen and his wife. I pray, Oh Lord, that You will guide Naveen in every step that he takes and every breath that he makes today, tomorrow, in the time to follow this heart wrenching time, and forever more. Father, I am mindful of just how deep Your love is. I pray, even now, O God, that Naveen would feel that love completely and unquestionably wash over him and that he will know that he cannot take one step outside of Your incredible, unsparing love. This is a hard time for Naveen, Father. We take great comfort in the knowledge that You have known these kinds of times and You will carry Naveen through this. Father, please wrap Your loving arms around Naveen and his wife and let them feel Your peace in this, their hour of need. Father, I also pray for every member of this extended family. I pray, O Lord, that You would keep us mindful that You are with us now, and always. Help us, Father, to be there emotionally for Naveen as this situation develops . And, Father, if there is anyone here that is near to Naveen physically, I would pray that You, O God, would lay it on his/her heart that he/she needs to be "boots on the ground" right now. But, Father, if none are here, I am confident that You will rise up Your people to be with Naveen and his wife as this situation unfolds. Father, our hearts hurt for Naveen. Please be with him and let him feel Your presence in a very real way. Father, thank You for hearing my prayer. And I pray all these things in the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen and amen! Naveen - please know that we care! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinyfeet Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Naveen, I'm so sorry for your trials at this time, and words are so inadequate, but you have the support of all on this board. Praying for you and your wife. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pacun Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 JohnH has put it correctly. It is a hard and painful decision but someone has to honor that request. I hope you get the strength that you need at this moment and may God bless you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcb39 Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 You have come to a very personal and painful place in your life. Asking for our support is an honor for us. Please believe that if I were in your wife's place, I would want you to honor my wishes. Having been married for 55 years, I or my husband could be in the same place at any time. My heart and my prayers are with you. I agree with every other post on this board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naveen Mohan from New York Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate it. You are all true friends. Thanks again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I can add nothing to all the good words other have posted except to say that you and your wife are in *my* prayers as well, and that you can lean on Him who bears all burdens with us. We will be here to listen, to cry, to help in whatever way we can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry D EA Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Naveen,Others have already offered good counsel and prayer and. There isn't anything that I can add that hasn't already been stated. You are in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BulldogTom Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Oh God, please be with Naveen in this time of sorrow. Please give him comfort in knowing the right thing to do and allow him to be at peace. My heart is breaking for you Naveen. Tom Newark, CA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILLMAS Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 You and your wife are in my prayers. Marco Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mircpa Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Naveen I am so sorry for your wife situation. You and your wife are definitely in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kcjenkins Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I know that is what she wanted and I want to honor her wishes but how do you pull plug on somebody whom you have loved for 37 years. I am sure some of you may have encountered the similar situation but how did you handle it emotionally? thanks Naveen Mohan Yes, I went through it two years ago, and we had just had our 50th anniversary. How did I handle it? I cried, I even argued a little, but then I realized I was focusing on ME, rather than on him. I never wanted to lose him, but he was hurting unnecessarily and once I focused on that, the right decision was clear to me. Remember, too, that whether you turn off the machines or not, she's going on. But she will still be in your heart. Trust me, you will still feel her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B. Jani Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 May God give you strength to go thru this tough time. You are in my prayer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsTabbyKats Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 I am so sorry to hear about this. Be strong and do what you have to do. Everything else is unimportant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
easytax Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 All have said much better than I. Honor your wife, do her wishes. Condolences and prayers for all your needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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